In which brief mention is made of my lady parts (sorry guys)...

So, I'm back.  Oh, and pregnant.  One really has nothing to do with the other, except that I blame morning sickness for part of the reason I haven't posted since October.  The rest of the reason is sheer laziness.  I warned you people about this.  Sometimes I want to write, and then something shiny distracts me.  Usually  it's the sheen of a television not playing sports or Caillou.  So yes, often Law & Order outranks the needs of my readers (I add the "s" in a vain hope that my one follower is not my only reader).  Sometimes even Hoarders outranks you.  Suck it up.

Anyway, I'm pregnant.  And I'm excited about it.  This was not unplanned, although the exact timing was a surprise.  Bottom line: I'm going to be 6 months pregnant at my sister's wedding in May.  I wanted to be much LESS pregnant at her wedding.  I also did not want to be pregnant until the bitter end of August.  J was forced to sleep in a parka while I blasted the air conditioning in May with my last pregnancy.  Since then we had a new heating and cooling system installed that is energy efficient, so I can turn the house into a meat locker much more inexpensively this time.  Yay technology.

Here's the thing:  last time I had a baby, things didn't go exactly as planned.  My water broke at 36 weeks, and it was discovered upon arrival at the hospital that A was breech.  So I had a c-section.  Which now gives me a choice to make: how do I want to deliver this baby?  Gone are the days of the required repeat c-section.  My OB is supportive of either decision, so I can pick (barring unforeseen complications) how I want to give birth.  For many, many women this is an amazing and welcome development in OB care, and they jump at the second chance to have a vaginal delivery.  I am not one of those women.  When I arrived at the hospital to have A, I was terrified of both options (to quote a friend, "Is there a third option??"), but fully expected to have an uncomplicated vaginal birth.  That means I also expected a lot of pain, as soon as possible a lot of drugs, and in the end, a healthy baby with a conehead and a lot of trauma to my lady parts.  Other than the baby, I looked forward to NONE of those things (well, maybe the drugs.  But since they came in a needle, it's questionable).  Then I was thrown completely off balance with the news that A was chilling with her butt where her head should be, so I was having a c-section.  Yes, I was freaked out about major surgery, but I was also sort of relieved to skip the whole labor/pushing/trauma to lady parts thing.  And my c-section was a calm, peaceful, lovely experience that ended in a healthy baby without a conehead and a lot of trauma to my lower abdomen.  But I healed quickly, and I wear my scar like a badge of honor: that scar gave my daughter a safe way to enter this world. 

So a repeat c-section doesn't scare me.  Vaginal birth still totally does.  Hey, I'm human, I'm afraid of the unknown.  A c-section is not unknown, it's familiar and feels comfortable and safe.  I know exactly what will happen, and I feel fairly confident in the result.  But these days this is not a popular opinion among the "momfia".  I refer to the growing online contingent of very vocal moms who know the "right" way to do everything and are quick to point out exactly what you, the inferior mom, are doing wrong.  Vaginal birth is the "right" way (preferably unmedicated, and maybe even at home with a midwife), breastfeeding is the ONLY option, and how dare you even consider circumcising your son.  Now, I am not disagreeing with anyone's choice to breastfeed (I did for over a year), or have a homebirth, or chose not to circumcise.  But I also don't think it's my job to tell anyone that those things are the only way you can succeed as a mother.  I have friends who had unmedicated births and had wonderful experiences.  I also have friends who signed right up for the drugs.  I have friends who breastfed for a few weeks, or months, or not at all.  And I honestly don't know about the circumcision thing because it's never really come up.  But it's not my kid's penis, so why would it be my business? 

As I said, I'm human.  As much as I'd like to pretend that I don't care what people think of me, that's not true (and can we please admit that it's NEVER true?  Maybe serial killers don't care what people think of them, but the average person does.  It's just something we say to justify questionable decisions or behavior).  I definitely care what my friends and family think of me, and as much as I try to stop, I care a small amount what strangers think of me.  It's why I brush my hair and use breath mints.  So while I feel fairly certain that a repeat c-section is the method of birth for me, a small part of me is holding back.  And what frustrates me is the realization that that small part is the part that is afraid of what people will think of me if I make that choice.  I guess personal growth really is one step forward, two steps back...;)